You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
