I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize