Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
