she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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