OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
