If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
