I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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