12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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