Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
