my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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