tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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