im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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