just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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