I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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