My hand turned me down
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Be still, my beating vagina.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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