I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
