where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
