Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
