There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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