3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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