I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
