The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
