this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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