Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
