remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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