he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize