Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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