Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
