he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize