I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
