i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
