Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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