I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
