Your mouth is God's brothel.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
