Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
