I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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