I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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