I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
