One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
