I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
