So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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