I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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