My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
