If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
