My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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