Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
