I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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