does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize