apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
