Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
