I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
