I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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