I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
