Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
